Category: Uncategorized

Thank you to you as my subscriber. Knowing you are out there means a lot to me. I genuinely appreciate it.

Wednesday morning I had this long and cogent conversation with Gina, largely about possible homelessness, and she gave me clear suggestions. I started taking them. Then when I walked back into the trailer I saw an email from a guy in Portland responding to my post on Craigslist looking for a room – which I may add here for further enjoyment – and we talked for maybe 45 minutes – he lives exactly where I have dreamed of living – and by the time I fell asleep Wednesday night I was moved in in my mind and scheming all the places I could and would meander out from my new address on SE 17th.

Later in the morning Wednesday I asked Craig, a friend of mine who’s offered to be “eyes” for me up there, to please check it out, and on the way down to Arroyo Grande yesterday to have my taxes done for free by AARP, Craig called and said the place was quite dirty and not worth $900 a month. I could barely keep my mind on W2’s and credit unions thereafter. I texted Gavin while there about feeling so suddenly lost all over again.

When I got back here I walked out and called the Portland guy, who was surprised to hear the assessment of his apartment home (for 20 years), and I said if I do agree I can’t commit for more than one month – which I’ve been close to begging the Universe to find me a place to do just that – crash awhile so my own eyes and ears are entirely in the 97202 zip code.

Then I came back to throw laundry in, and I’m leaning right now (Thursday pm) into just saying no. Me and Nancy Reagan. There’s likely a most important question here for me to give my attention to on this emotional amusement ride. I suppose, if the creek don’t rise and there ain’t no meltdown, more will be revealed from this mountain bench Monday.

And I know this is super long, and it’s Friday, and you have important stuff to do, but as I said I might, here’s the post I’ve had up on CL the last month:

Please consider me for a private room to be rented in your home. I’ll be a responsible, respectful, and great tenant and housemate. I’m moving back to Portland, where I lived 12 years previously (’09-’21), from southern/central California. — This is me: I’m older (though endlessly hip and soulful) and something of an introvert. I’ve had a long career in human services. I’ll be leaving a part-time job I have now, and already have leads for another when I arrive. I am a writer (12 self-published books) and a sometimes artist. I publish a weekday blog, which I created in 2018. I’ll add links to my writing/art website and the blog. — Of primary importance in my life is my Zen practice, which colors everything else. – I have two grown sons, in Montana and Idaho respectively, my youngest with Down syndrome. I have long-term sobriety. I am a big reader, a regular walker/hiker, and a crummy guitar player (through headphones). I’m quiet, kind, and fun in a goofy way. — I am looking to rent a studio/room, it’d be great with a private bathroom, in a price range of $700 – 900 a month, including utilities. I am also open to a short-term rental so I can be in Portland to actually see where I want to live in Portland. And be seen by you. I’m hoping to find myself living in the Southeast, say between Burnside, Johnson Creek, the river and 50th. I will always pay rent on time, or early, and have and maintain deep respect for your life (lives) and space. — This post is a bit early, I’m planning to arrive early March. Thanks for any consideration. — 148curiousthings.com — fromamountainbench.com

Subscriber note — If you have any feedback – any at all – please offer it before 9:30a Friday this 13th as I may call Portland with my decision before the 11a Portland job interview.

I find myself giggling at the approaching prospect of having no address. Not the reality of where will I go the bathroom, or keep yogurt, or lay my pillow. But, there’s something about the path to those places that keeps cracking me up. Time’s running out, and even with the very, very few responses to my callouts for private rooms in houses and studios, I find a quality reason to say no thanks. Just yesterday afternoon I messaged a guy saying ‘renter’s insurance” was required, I wrote that in all my life of renting – which is all my life after leaving mom and dad, I have never once been told I had to have renter’s insurance. I messaged that landlord I had drawn a line and was honoring it. He messaged back an hour later, “Okay, good luck.” And it made me laugh, just a little while, but laughing.

Just before leaving work yesterday, Julia, my boss, said she was trying to cover Jorge’s shifts because he was off on a vacation. He hadn’t told her he was off to Mexico with his mom for a family wedding. He had told me. So, she asked, could I work his Friday morning, and I remembered I have a Zoom interview for a job in Portland at 11 that day and said sorry. I turned to the door to leave and Julia said, “See you Thursday,” and I turned around and gave her the most quizicle look I could give and said, entirely perplexed, “Thursday?” A look of panic came over her face, like I’d forgotten my own shift, but before she could say anything I pointed my finger at her and said, “Gotcha.” I have never ever been so playful and loose with my boss. And I walked out the doors cracking up at my unplanned, and you might say insanely adolescent behavior.

Three weeks before no address and maybe no yogurt and no numbers to which mail may be forwarded, a scenario for sure in which any mail that comes here (the trailer park) will be thrown away. And that’s not funny and still I’m laughing.

I’m laughing a lot. I’d tell you a couple of sentences that came to me sitting on the cushion in the dark Monday morning but it would come off way to Zennie. I will tell you the end of a dream just before, I mean just before my alarm went off Tuesday morning, where I heard someone shouting, “This is the only world there is.”

I crawled into bed Sunday night at a quarter past six. Exhausted – physically, mentally, emotionally. Exhausted with my current address, and exhausted with no future address. I nearly fell right asleep.

Beginning Friday morning through Sunday afternoon I had had at least half-hour conversations with my son Cameron, my son Spenser, my friend Gavin, my friend Bob, my friend Jorge, and my friend David. I was exhausted with my own voice.

In my fantasy my fairy godmother says, “We have a shack for you deep in the woods. We’ll send a car.” And I go there and I don’t speak a word for 100 days.

But, there is the no future address thing.

Sometimes I sit around doing nothing and think my being an introvert and on the cusp of anti-social are why I experience aloneness, especially the way I’ve experienced aloneness here in San Luis Obispo, one of my three reasons for choosing to leave.

It seems like an easy hop, skip, and jump from one to the other. And yet, I don’t think that’s it.

Saturday morning I was sipping coffee and reflecting on with whom I have shared my most intimate thoughts about my life now, including the tapped-me-on-the-shoulder decision to move back to Portland. Immediately six names came to me: Gavin in Oakland; Kate in Missouri; Gina in Santa Barbara; Jorge, my one really true friend here in SLO; Mike in New Jersey; and David in New Mexico. And I can honestly add Bob in Massachusetts, though life on his end has kept us out of touch for a while. And of course my sons Cameron and Spenser. I love each and ever one, and they know it. And each and every one loves me back, and I know it.

That’s pretty fabulous, right?

Somewhere in my past I heard/read that most adults are fortunate to have two best friends.

Look at my collection! Lucky, lucky me.

Portland, Oregon.

Elvis is coming back into the building.

Unedited – like me these days:

Don’t push the river, and a revelation.

When I have my own place I will fall all-into a deep study of Chinese poetry. I may, for all I know, legally change my name to Ch’an Cushman. I’ll begin cooking and eating broccoli and cauliflower again. Buy cinamon. Really, there is a growing excitement for more control of my food – bringing myself back to ketosis.

And my gifts – the me of me that/who will be in that world, on those streets. Back up there, (and) “a revelation,” there’s no soul here. No wonder I couldn’t go three days without talking Motown.

End of scribble — Wednesday early to the Bob Jones Trail, carrying the teachings of my teacher from earlier, bluebird, squirrel, glittering creek, me dancing and grooving and squinching up my face to every four year (or month) old passing on a bike or in a carriage. My posse. Then I’m on the pier, see below, it’s 85 degrees, Feb 4. Cue R.E.M. – “The end of the world as we know it.”

No wonder I can barely go a day without listening to Motown. And dancing.

Here’s a text – unedited – I received in the coffee shop Wednesday from a 43-year-old woman with an intellectual disability I supported as a ‘job coach’ at “The People’s Food Coop” in Ocean Beach, San Diego —“Are you proud of me that i work at U.C.S.D.H. (hospital) on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and Friday’s and are you still proud of me that i work at people’s market on Tuesday’s? I like you as a friend Buddy. love, Jolene.”

That, thankfully, is not white bread.

Thursday memo to self – Mind your own bee’s wax.

Oh, mirror, mirror, on the wall: What’s my part?

“Like Vimalakirti she shuts her mouth, following the old way. All day long, she sits within the gate. She does not tell anyone her inner treasure….When she sees the Blue Mountain through her veranda, and recognizes it, she feels she has spoken too much.” – Ross Bolleter, “Dongshan’s Five Ranks.”

In other words, like Uncle Buck, I have zipped closed my mouth and tossed away the key.

Tossed.

Over and over and over, a powerful internal inclination to keep quiet.

I am not like other people. I’m just not. I’m not like everybody/anybody else.

I did, though, have conversations yesterday with folks in both Santa Barbara and New Jersey who did have very nice and sweet things to say about this very me.

My friend in New Jersey told me I am filled with happiness, and have a serenity most folks would dream about. It made me happy to hear that. He also said that one of the happiest times in his life was when he was living out of his car for a bit, a comment falling out of possibilities.

We also talked about the joy of not knowing. The intimacy.

This was my three-song YouTube playlist Saturday morning, which fell directly out from my Morning Pages: ‘I’ve Got Work To Do’ by the Isley Brothers; ‘Most Likely You’ll Go Your Way and I’ll Go Mine,’ Bob Dylan; and ‘Goin Back’ by The Byrds. Right there, scribbled down within three Pages. Musical vocabulary.

Saturday morning I gave a month’s notice at the YMCA. Sunday morning I gave a month’s notice to my landlord.

There is a line in ‘Goin Back’ – “A little bit of courage is all we lack.” Oftentimes I do not know where it is. Sometimes I do.